Written by Rod Derrett 
Ballad of Claudia Raines



This is the story of Claudia Raines,
who married a fellow that loved to play trains.
Each evening at six when he walked through the door,
her kisses and greetings he'd almost ignore.

He'd gulp down his dinner and just before seven,
he'd climb the stairs to his bachelor heaven.
Throw all the switches and turn on the mains,
then lie on the carpet and play with his trains.

For hours and hours he'd toot and he'd puff
while down in the kitchen his wife had the huff.
But she never showed it, the comely young wench,
as she washed up the dishes and wiped down the bench.

She fervently prayed as she dried the last cup
her husband would someday decide to grow up.
But in spite of her patience and spiritual pains,
he simply continued to play with his trains.

Around about midnight he'd come down to bed
with trains whistling round through the holes in his head.
Forgetting his duties as husband and lover,
he'd soon fall asleep 'neath the warmth of a cover.

Clutched in his hand, I'd forgotten to mention,
like a child's teddy bear was a small clockwork engine.
Too late she discovered the man who abstains,
is often content to just play with his trains.

For thirty long years she continued to stick
Until she collpsed, broken hearted and sick.
Her illness was terribly hard to explain
and she was examined again and again.

When at long, long last a wise old surgeon
said "Mrs Raines, I believe you're a virgin."
"Yes!" she replied, her cheeks red as flames,
"I married a man who prefers to play trains!"

"Oho," said the doctor, "then here are some tips --
take up a hobby! Like playing with ships."
She took his advice, and with firm resolution,
eventually hit on the perfect solution.

A compromise really, at least of a sort,
she visits each ship as it comes into port.
Now Claudia's happy and so's Mr Raines,
'Cause she's got her sailors and he's got his trains.



Written and performed by Rod Derrett for the 
Model Railway Convention, 
Auckland, New Zealand, April, 1968